Things I Said I'd Never Do

I knew it all. I was going to have perfect little well behaved kids and be a kick ass mom. I had a plan. It was going to be epic.

Then I became a mom. It's still been epic, but no where near what I thought.

1. Listen to children's music-I was adamant that my kids would listen to the radio with me and whatever music I listened to is what they would listen to. Ol McDonald drove me up the damn wall and now it's Trolls!! Omg Trolls. Such a cute movie. Like I really enjoyed it, but Calyn has ruined it for me. "Can't stop the feelin'!!!"

2. Use the word potty-I have always hated that word!! I don't know why I hate it, but I do. I still hate it, yet I use it daily. "Do you need to potty??" "Go potty before we leave." Mommy needs to go potty."

3. Let my kids drink soda-My girl gets her coke fix on a regular basis. I was going to be a water and milk mom only. Sugary juices??? Uh uh not happening. She was going to get all the healthy stuff that mommy would give her. Mommy gives her juice and soda. That's what my girl wants, that's what she gets.

4. Buy my kids Happy Meals-When we pass near McDonald's Calyn says, "Look, Mommy, it's happy meal street!" I was going to cook up nutritious, healthy meals for my family and we would all sit at the dining table and have nice family dinners. Now it's drive thrus and eating out of the car, but again my girl is happy. My husband even texted me one day and said, "The eldest of offspring desires a meal of happiness." I laughed out loud and people looked at me and then I went to the drive thru and got her one.

5. Use the TV as a babysitter-Since day 1 Calyn has been glued to the TV. She started off loving "The Rifleman." I don't know if it's the guns or the horses or what. Then it was anything Nick Jr. and boy did she learn a lot from that. I was at least adamant that she wouldn't watch things like Sponge Bob. Nick Jr. was at least educational. Now it's things like Trolls. Anyone else sick and tired of "Hair Up??"

6. Spank my kids-Oh the many many thoughts and fantasies I've had on this one. Does she get a good pop when she does something like pinch the dog and it scares the crap out of me that he'll bite her (even though she has done everything possible to provoke him and he just calmly walks away)? Hell yeah she gets a pop. But I'm talking those fantasies of just giving her a good drop kick when she's throwing on of those tantrums in the middle of the grocery store because she wanted the plain regular Goldfish, not the Flavor Blasted!!!!!!!!!! Yeah I've had those fantasies.

7. Bribe my kids-I couldn't understand for the life of me why parents couldn't just control their children. My would never act like that!!! I would bust their ass. They would be respectful. Next thing I knew it was all come here baby and mommy will give you some chocolate! Mmm want a Happy Meal?? How about some Coke??

8. Give in to my kids-I would not give in to them once I put my foot down about something. That's how they turn out to be little shits and think they can get their way all the time. That's lasted until she got mobile. It went all to hell from there.

9. Formula feed-I attempted to breast feed both of my girls. With Calyn I lasted until I got home from the hospital. So what, a whole 3 days?? Michele I made it with her actually getting it from the tap till I got home and then I started exclusively pumping and that lasted for about 2 weeks. That shit hurts! I was determined that kids would get only the best and that was mommy's yummy breast milk. Uh uh. No thanks.